The Mind of a Stranger
by phfatbeatrice
Summary: -This story contains spoilers past episode 4- Falling into depression, Sayaka had started hurting herself after finding out about the truth of Soul Gems. -Terrible summary, oneshot, might be added onto, self injury, drabble-


The Mind of a Stranger

"I'm already dead anyway, what does it matter?" the young blue haired teen murmured as she looked down at her thin arms. She bit her lip and shook her head. No one would care if she disappeared... No even Kyousuke, the one person she had thrown away humanity for... The one person she cherished and loved.

The young girl's name was Sayaka Miki. She had once again stayed home from school, attempting to avoid Hitomi, her backstabbing bitch of a friend that was now dating the one guy that she loved. In general, she felt like being alone. She had just found out that the soul gem that Kyuubey had given her had actually possessed her soul in it. After discovering this, she felt like nothing, like a waste of space. She felt like she was already dead. She felt like no one would care at all what she did to her already dead body.

Sayaka studied her arms again, no blemish in sight. She grabbed her soul gem off of her side table next to her bed and transformed into the Magical Girl that she traded her soul to be. It was an empty feeling that no longer held the excitement that she had once felt. She grabbed her left sleeve and pulled it off, exposing the pale skin of her arm. She summoned her sword out of thin air, watching it materialise. She studied it carefully before placing the cold steel on her bare skin. She moved the sword across her skin, not feeling a thing. The movements almost felt like emulation of a violin bow. Her arm barely stung for a moment, and the strange rhythm almost felt natural. The wounds healed almost as fast as she could make them. That upset her.

Sayaka hadn't hurt herself in nearly a year before this incident. Madoka had found out that she was burning herself with a lighter and had scolded her for a while about how she had friends. Madoka told her that she didn't have to resort to those kinds of things, but to come talk to her. But right now... Right now it seemed like Madoka had plenty to worry about. Madoka had her own set of problems. She didn't need to hear about how her stupid, dead friend felt betrayed by Hitomi for stealing her childhood friend and crush. Sayaka didn't want to burden Madoka. Madoka was a pure, innocent girl and didn't need to be tainted by this dead, selfish girl. She felt she had no other options other then this self mutilation.

Sayaka let out a frustrated sigh when she sat the sword down and looked at her arm. There was no evidence she had even done anything. This upset her quite some bit. It was helpful for when she would need to hide the wounds, but she liked seeing evidence that she hurt herself. It made her feel sure that it actually happened.

Sayaka laid back down on her bed, tears teasing her eyes again. She really was pathetic. She couldn't even hurt herself correctly. She was less then a zombie. She bit her lip and tried to ignore the pain in her chest. She wasn't human, she wasn't worthy of human emotion. She didn't deserve to cry.

Sayaka transformed back into her pyjamas, the hilt of her sword disappearing from her palm. She tried to figure out how she could hurt herself and leave the marks. She wasn't human and didn't deserve the blemish free skin she had. It wasn't fair. She curled up and thought for a moment.

She suddenly sat up and went over to her dresser. After a minute, she found a shoebox. She took the brown cardboard back over to her bed and threw the lid off of the box. On the very top of the contents was a note that Madoka had once written her; "Sayaka-Chan, you are so beautiful and nice. If you need to talk, call me. Please don't do this..." While Madoka didn't know about this box, Sayaka had put this note in the box because it had stopped her from doing this before. But she wasn't human anymore. She didn't deserve what humans deserve. She took the note out the box and laid it upside down so she wouldn't have to feel guilt for breaking her promise with Madoka.

The contents of the box were dumped onto the bed and Sayaka pawed through it all. There were cotton swabs, a portable bottle of alcohol, a few lighters, a needle or two, a few tacks, and what she was looking for, a box of razors. She meekly picked up the box and opened it. She took out one of the wrapped blades and put the rest of the box back in the shoebox. She carefully removed the packaging, watching the stainless steel reveal it's self.

When she got it unwrapped, she held the blade in between her index and middle finger, and thumb. She put it to her wrist and ran it across the fare skin. The wound turned red and bled for a moment before healing right before her eyes, just as she had anticipated. She then reached for her soul gem with her left hand. She held it carefully, before holding the blade up to it. She had no idea how to control where the damage would appear so she attempted to focus on her arms as she ran the blade across one panel of smooth glass on her soul gem. She flinched a little bit, the numbness from before completely gone. She looked down her at arms and saw a relatively deep gash across her left arm. She assumed that because she didn't feel it directly on her skin, that it was harder to figure out what too deep was. But if she cut too deep, she could always heal it with her soul gem. Though, to her it didn't matter.

She ran the blade over her soul gem a few more times, focusing on her arms the whole time. After nearly ten times, she stopped. She didn't care that her sheets were covering in blood or that her arms both ached. She was glad that the wounds were staying longer and that she could feel them. It was a relief, really. While she still believed all of those things about herself, being able to feel and bleed for the first time in a while made her feel like a weight was lifted from her shoulders.

Sayaka put the razor back in the box and let out a sigh. She put her soul gem back on the side table. She pulled out the cotton swabs and the alcohol. Because she wasn't disinfecting her soul gem, this wouldn't give her the satisfactory sting like she was hoping it would. But that's okay, she didn't need it. She felt like she was walking on clouds. If it was from blood loss or her current emotional freedom, she couldn't decide.

She cleaned the wounds, then put the shoebox back into the drawer it was originally hiding in, with Madoka's note now at the bottom. Sayaka took the sheets off of her bed, folding them in a way that the blood wouldn't be as obvious, before retrieving a different sheet set. She replaced them before curling up in the clean sheets. She let out a sigh before texting Madoka, "I feel better right now. Want to hang out when school gets out?"

She closed her phone before rolling over in bed. She covered her face with her arm before dozing off. She sleep heavily until she got a response from Madoka about hanging out, which was a yes.


End file.
